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Ten Steps In Doing So
Forgiveness is to be done to heal ourselves not the other guy. Many believe that to forgive is to be generous to the person
or people whom have hurt us. That is a fallacy. Forgiveness is to heal ourselves and in turn may help to heal others or those
we believe have hurt us. If we do not forgive others we cannot forgive ourselves.
Forgiveness is something many of us need to learn about. To most it is a word that we wish we could do but we truly were never
taught how to forgive. I see many people believing that they have forgiven just to find hidden resentments still lingering
behind the scenes.
People just don’t think a great deal before we go after what ever we want at that time.
In our world we have been out to get what we want when we want and many times we don’t consider what we do hurts others
sometimes.
In abusive situations the matters of forgiveness and healing are put back with the memory we just don’t want to see
as abusers or abused.
In ego ridden situation we just don’t see or feel others pain. Our sites are just on our intended desires with total
disregard for the mess we leave in our wake.
This all hurt has to be healed and forgiveness is how this is done.
Below are the ten steps we all need to learn to become more forgiving people and to heal our world and ourselves.
1. Understand that forgiving does not mean giving permission for the behavior to be repeated. It does not mean saying that
what was done was acceptable. Forgiveness is needed for behaviors that were not acceptable and that you should not allow to
be repeated.
2. Recognize who is being hurt by your non-forgiveness. Does the other person burn with your anger, feel the knot in your
stomach, experience the cycling and recycling of your thoughts as you re-experience the events in your mind? Do they stay
awake as you rehearse in your mind what you would like to say or do to 'punish' them? No, the pain is all yours.
3. Do not require to know 'why' as a prerequisite to forgiveness. Knowing why the behavior happened is unlikely to lessen
the pain, because the pain came at a time when you did not know why. Occasionally there are times when knowing why makes forgiveness
unnecessary, but they are rare. Don't count on it and don't count on even the perpetrator knowing why.
4. Make a list of what you need to forgive. What was actually done that caused your pain? Not what you felt, what was done.
5. Acknowledge your part. Were you honest about your hurt or did you hide the fact that the behavior hurt you? Did you seek
peace by reassuring the perpetrator that it was all right? Did you stay when you could or should have left? If so, then you,
too, have some responsibility. (Here you start to move away from being a victim.)
6. Make a list of what you gained from the relationship, whatever form of relationship it was. Looking back you may be focusing
on the negatives, the hurts. Yet if they were repeated, you must have stayed to allow the repetition. You did not remove yourself.
Why? There must have been some positives if you chose to stay around. What were they?
7. Write a letter to the person (no need to mail it). Acknowledge what you gained from the relationship, and express forgiveness
for the hurts. Allow yourself to express all your feelings fully. Do not focus only on the hurts.
8. Create a ceremony in which you get rid of your lists and the letter, so symbolizing the ending of the link between you.
You may choose to visualize placing them on a raft and watching it drift gently away down a river. You may prefer to burn
them and scatter the ashes. You may invent some other form of ritualized separation.
9. Visualize the person you are forgiving being blessed by your forgiveness and, as a result, being freed from continuing
the behavior that hurt you.
10. Now that you have freed yourself from the painful links and released the pain, feel yourself growing lighter and more
joyous. Now you are free to move on with your life without that burden of bitterness. Do not look back in anger.
Angel Femia
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